The Gifts

Tonight I remembered the GIFT.  My father who was a serial pedophile bought me a gift.  This was before I had any memory of the abuse.  I was surprised and in awe that he loved me that much.  You see it was not just any gift.  It was something my mother coveted.  It was a series of Bible story books.  Their were only so many available and my father bought them at a book auction at Bible camp that summer.  He paid an exorbitant amount of money for these books far more then they were worth.  I treasured them and took them with me when I ran away from home.  Little did I know at the time the price I had paid for those books.

The last gift I remember my father giving me was $500 dollars.  I found it strange as I had not had anything to do with them for a few years, if I could help it.  I met him at a motel in the town I was living in.  He was with my little brother.  I found it strange as he told me my older sister had said some bad things about him, and that when the police come to ask me to tell them nothing had happened.  And that some might think this money was a bribe, but I he made it clear to me it was a gift.  I still had no memory of the abuse, and I still had my lovely books. Ii so needed that money to go to university, but I remember the feeling that went with that money.  It felt ugly, dirty and I didn't know why.  

Many years later when the memories had returned I knew the price I had paid for those gifts was ore than anyone should ever have to pay.  I remember being so distraught when I had to leave my books behind...they were something wonderful my father had given me.  Not it was guilt my fathers guilt all wrapped up in a bow, for me to carry and treasure.  

Today I can let those books go, because i have a new father a heavenly Father, who doesn't bribe me or hid his sins in dazzling treasures.  I have a Father who wake me with the colors of dawn and put me to bed with a sunset.  Who only wants the best for me.  The hard part is believing I deserve it.  Go with God!

Proverbs 22:6 (King James Version)

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

This verse for me has rung so true.  I was raised in a very Christian home. I learned about respect for self and others ,honor and truth.  I learned about God and the Bible and gratitude.   i was able to learn these things in a very dysfunctional family, and for many years I did what I had to do to survive.  I partied and drank and drugged.  I had multiple marriages and common-law ones too.  I ran as hard and as fast as I could away from the insect and abuse as I could.  Suddenly I wake up and find myself in my early 40's and what do I look for, for the good from my past.  The things I can take with me from being a child, the lessons from God's word that I didn't think I could learn under those circumstances.  The word of God sank into me even though they were not modeled for me.  I had enough people around me that were not of my family that modeled the commandments for me that some how they became part of who I was.  I was also fortunate to have repressed  memorizes of the incest so I thought my parent were the best.  I thought they modeled the behavior I learned.  God loved me enough to let me sow my wild oats and still come home.  He met me on the path and put clean clothes on me and welcomed me back.  Today I strive to model for my little ones what I know they will come back to if necessary but with prayer and faith may never have to, as it will become a part of them they will carry with pride.  Go with God!

If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if a blade of grass springing up in the fields has power to move you, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive. 
Eleonora Duse


This phrase caught my attention.  When did I come alive, I was always alive but I mean really alive , where the earth sang to me.  It was on Mere's Island while my husband and I and the 3 children where at Kakawis  treatment program.  Cut off from all outside influences I discovered the joy of the surf on the beach and the wind in the trees.  The smells of the ocean and of fresh cut grass.  I so loved these things as a child growing up, but they some how got lost between the incest and the beatings.  I am so glad God loves us enough to create such simple yet complicated creations for us to enjoy.  I am blessed to be alive and smelling, touching, tasting and seeing that the Lord is GOOD!!

Changes

Having grown up in a large family that I thought loved me, and then finding out it was all just for the publics view, I find myself in great distress over being loved by anyone.  

I am so uncomfortable having a church family that loves me just the way I am, with my bi-polar and C-PTSD and all.  I find myself constantly worried that I am not good enough or that I don't deserve to be loved.  I always wonder when they are going to pull the rug out from under me.   The fear and anxiety this is causing me, almost caused me to hurt myself, to create the chaos that I am so familiar with.  I so want to be loved as I am sure everyone does, but accepting it is one of the harder things I have ever done.  My mind is constantly looking to do more be more and I am at  loss as to what I could do for them in return, they don't need or seem to want anything but for me to be happy and loved.  This must be what it feels like to be loved..:) 

Depression Relapse

After almost five years without a serious relapse into depression I was hit with one this week.  My whold body screamed out in pain, and the random and sometimes insane thoughts that ran through my head were overwhelming.  I knew I was not safe in my own head.  So I took the following steps to ensure a sucessful out come.  No matter how painful and how humiliating it is to admit you need help, I know from my past experience with PTSD and Depression that it is much less painful to seek help before you do something stupid then after.

Many times through out my life i didn't take the necessary steps to stay safe, and my children were not safe either.  I would over dose or cut in fromt of them, and I would loose  them to the fall out of my actions.  So today I have two options of which I know the consequences.

1. Ignore the situation and pray it passes without getting medical attention, and possibly it will, but more than likly it will not and I will do something dumb in the moment of pain that will cause desaster for my children and me later.

or 

2.  I can feel this coming on, and seek immediate attention at the hospital.  I just moved to this town so I did not have the supports in place that I would of used instead, so the hospital was my only choice.  

Choice 1: would leave my children finding a mother who had attempted suicide and might of won, thus sending them to foster care. traumatized and lost.

Choice 2 :leaves me in charge of the out come and where my children go because I am being pro-active in my recovery.  I get to have them with people I trust, instead of the ministry taking over.  I get to see the hope of help coming soon.

I get to safety proof my house and make it safe for me to stay at until I can get the supports in place to deal with this new set of flashbacks and depression.  This means  getting all medication out of the house, having kids stay with my friends and taking the medications as prescribed.  

I chose Choice 2:

I went to the hopsital, got referrals I need to get hooking up with supports in my new city, I removed all medications from my home.  I put my children in a safe place where they would be loved and caredful with people who love them.  I slept in my own bed instead of the hospital psycho ward because I showed inisitve.  I will be getting the necessary counceling and supports in place this coming week.  And to day I look back at how much worse I could of made it by not knowing I needed help.

Thank you lord for giving me the courage to face this head on instead of running and letting the devil invade my heart and soul.  

I pray that each and everyone of you who suffers with the dark side of depression or PTSD, that you seek help as son as you feel the darkness moving in...it is ok to ask for help.