The Right Thing

Every year at this time of year, I find myself analyzing my relationship with my mother.  You see she was only my mother for 13 years of my life in reality, but in my heart she was always there.  I was adopted straight from the hospital, I was raised knowing I was.  I had this illusion in my head of who and what my mother would be.  I was 25 when I was finally blessed with the opportunity to meet her and be a part of her life.  Who I imagined her to be and who she really were most definitely did not match, my mother was an addict/alcoholic, who had given 3 of her 4 girls away.  My mother made a choice to give me up, not because she loved me but because the man she was with didn't want me.  I often wondered growing up if life would of been better with her.  I have come to understand and believe she did what was in my best interest.  I find that hard to say as I was raised with a pedophile, but I listened to my little sisters life, the one who was raised with her, and I don't envy her one little bit.  She lived a hard sad life and passed away at 38 years of age.  I do know today that I am right where I am supposed to be.  Missing a mother that did the best she could with what she knew.  I also know that I miss her and love her even if she was not whom I  imagined her to be.  I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to know her.  I also feel proud that I have been able to raise my own children and to break the cycle of addictions and abuse that plague my biological family.  For that I give God the glory, because not only am I free but I am grateful and happy as well.  Rest in Peace mother dear.

Waiting

I am at a loss....I just can't seem to get close to men the way I would like too. I either don't do something right or don't do enough. I so don't want a relationship based on sex....I want an intimate relationship.  To me intimacy means letting you see into me. To understand and learn who I am in relationship to you. Am I wrong to want to wait to get sexually involved until I feel close, cause every time I don't wait part of me dies....and I feel broken again. I like being free from all the chaos of being a survivor and waiting to get sexual does that for me,.because I have not been able to have a long term relationship on a sexually based level. I need more or it feels horrible and I just want it over.  Then any feeling I might of had for you go away, this has taken along time to learn.

I want a relationship that is based on mutual, love, caring and support, that is healthy in every way.  I want someone who loves God as much as I do. I really don't think that is asking to much. So I wait,cause it is easier than dying slowly.  I trust that God will answer my prayers and someday just maybe I will be blessed with a relationship that has God first, for the rest will follow.

The Gifts

Tonight I remembered the GIFT.  My father who was a serial pedophile bought me a gift.  This was before I had any memory of the abuse.  I was surprised and in awe that he loved me that much.  You see it was not just any gift.  It was something my mother coveted.  It was a series of Bible story books.  Their were only so many available and my father bought them at a book auction at Bible camp that summer.  He paid an exorbitant amount of money for these books far more then they were worth.  I treasured them and took them with me when I ran away from home.  Little did I know at the time the price I had paid for those books.

The last gift I remember my father giving me was $500 dollars.  I found it strange as I had not had anything to do with them for a few years, if I could help it.  I met him at a motel in the town I was living in.  He was with my little brother.  I found it strange as he told me my older sister had said some bad things about him, and that when the police come to ask me to tell them nothing had happened.  And that some might think this money was a bribe, but I he made it clear to me it was a gift.  I still had no memory of the abuse, and I still had my lovely books. Ii so needed that money to go to university, but I remember the feeling that went with that money.  It felt ugly, dirty and I didn't know why.  

Many years later when the memories had returned I knew the price I had paid for those gifts was ore than anyone should ever have to pay.  I remember being so distraught when I had to leave my books behind...they were something wonderful my father had given me.  Not it was guilt my fathers guilt all wrapped up in a bow, for me to carry and treasure.  

Today I can let those books go, because i have a new father a heavenly Father, who doesn't bribe me or hid his sins in dazzling treasures.  I have a Father who wake me with the colors of dawn and put me to bed with a sunset.  Who only wants the best for me.  The hard part is believing I deserve it.  Go with God!

Proverbs 22:6 (King James Version)

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

This verse for me has rung so true.  I was raised in a very Christian home. I learned about respect for self and others ,honor and truth.  I learned about God and the Bible and gratitude.   i was able to learn these things in a very dysfunctional family, and for many years I did what I had to do to survive.  I partied and drank and drugged.  I had multiple marriages and common-law ones too.  I ran as hard and as fast as I could away from the insect and abuse as I could.  Suddenly I wake up and find myself in my early 40's and what do I look for, for the good from my past.  The things I can take with me from being a child, the lessons from God's word that I didn't think I could learn under those circumstances.  The word of God sank into me even though they were not modeled for me.  I had enough people around me that were not of my family that modeled the commandments for me that some how they became part of who I was.  I was also fortunate to have repressed  memorizes of the incest so I thought my parent were the best.  I thought they modeled the behavior I learned.  God loved me enough to let me sow my wild oats and still come home.  He met me on the path and put clean clothes on me and welcomed me back.  Today I strive to model for my little ones what I know they will come back to if necessary but with prayer and faith may never have to, as it will become a part of them they will carry with pride.  Go with God!

If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if a blade of grass springing up in the fields has power to move you, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive. 
Eleonora Duse


This phrase caught my attention.  When did I come alive, I was always alive but I mean really alive , where the earth sang to me.  It was on Mere's Island while my husband and I and the 3 children where at Kakawis  treatment program.  Cut off from all outside influences I discovered the joy of the surf on the beach and the wind in the trees.  The smells of the ocean and of fresh cut grass.  I so loved these things as a child growing up, but they some how got lost between the incest and the beatings.  I am so glad God loves us enough to create such simple yet complicated creations for us to enjoy.  I am blessed to be alive and smelling, touching, tasting and seeing that the Lord is GOOD!!