My Search for Intimacy

Wow, I love processing my behavior.  I have been out of sorts that last couple weeks and I really thought it was all about everyone else.  To my surprise it wasn't about you at all it was about me and how I deal with change.  You see I have a best friend, her and I have spent the last six month getting to know each other inside out.  We have a deep intimate relationship, we talk about everything and on a deep level.  I have not had a relationship like this very often and I really like it,  it is intense and promotes growth and healing.  However, I do not deal with change very well, and as our lives evolved she became involved with a man.  This took away from our time together and we did not see as much of each other as we once had.  I noticed that my behavior was changing, I was looking for faults in her, and I was seeking intimacy of all the wrong kinds anywhere I could get it.  I was demanding that other people get real and that they were not involved in my life to the degree that I wanted.  This just pushed me further away from them in my own mind.  I was building walls instead of bridges.
I discovered this morning after a serious two hour discussion with my friend that I missed her, and our level of intimacy.  I was acting out and doing things that were harmful to me in my search for deep intimate none sexual relationships.  I also discovered that I don't think i want this level of intimacy with everyone.  It is hard work, and to have revelations like this everytime I communicated with someone would be overwhelming.  So I accepted that her and my releationship will change with time and I am ok going with the ebb and flow of it.  No matter how long we are apart we are still just as intense and deep as ever when we do get together. I am so happy to have her in my life, that it makes being lone all that much more fun...lol .  Not sure if I made any sense but it feels good to me.  I am becoming my own best friend and discovering all the things I like to do, and am happy with the people who do coming and go in my life on what ever level they are comfortable at.:)

To Be a Friend

I  look around my life, and it is rather empty. Not sure if this is just in my head or my reality. I don't feel close to anyone. I am part of a church, I have acquaintances and I date, but I am not close to anyone. I just don't know how to do this. Growing up without any real attachments has left me struggling to find a way to connected to anyone. So I hibernate in my home, and I take my kids to school and classes. I do yoga a class where I do not have to communicate with anyone, and I walk the track, but no one gets in. I want them in, I want to have friends over for tea, or to hang out with, but I don't, not for lack of asking, they all say yes we would love to but it never happens. Is it me or am I just not normal wondering why? This place where I am now is the place that stops me from working full time, it stops me from having close personal relationships. I don't know how to fix this.  The only relationship I have had until lately have been very dysfunctional, some to the extreme.  I want more than that.  I deserve more than that, but how do I get it?  That is the question.  I do have people on line who I love and care for greatly, and I am sure if we were to meet we would be great friends.  It is in real life I don't feel connected to anyone other than my children, even if the other person feels connected to me, it just feels frail and so precarious, that I sometimes wonder why I bother to even try to have close friends.  I think some times if I had been able to have close friends as a child things might be different now.  But it wasn't like that and I want to fix that part of me.  I want to be a friend and to have friends.

Dropping Vices

Do you find that when God puts it on your heart to give up a particular actively or action that it gets worse before it ends? I find this happening as I walk in my journey toward God. I know there are things I do that I want to stop doing and the harder I try to stop them the worse they become. What is with this? I know that my life has been getting consistently better, but there are some behaviors I want to stop that are just not going away and are most difficult to stop. I found myself behaving like an addict, the fear of letting this behavior go was over whelming. I have been free for the last few days of this behavior and I am in constant prayer. Having returned to God after 30 years in my own personal desert I have been shedding all the vices one at a time that I feel keep me from being whole and complete. I know that if God has put it on my heart to change it then with time it will happen. I pray for the patience to love myself through this process and to forgive myself for not being perfect at stopping everything as quickly as I would like.  All in Gods time.

Some Days

Some days it just all seem over whelming. I just want a normal life like I always thought I would or at least dreamed of until I remembered. Some days it feels like my head is bleeding on the inside just trying to make sense of it all. Some days trying to be a Christian and a survivor seems to much to take at the same time. Some days I just don't want to do this anymore. Some days I really wish I had never remembered any of the abuse. Some days I get really angry at having to remember. Some days I just wish I could of not ran away or had to live the street life, or run for my life. Some days I get so tired o fit all and wonder what if I had never remembered?

Leveling off to Follow

Just a note to say I am in awe at how wonderful life has become. Five years ago I would never ever have been able to imagine the life I have today. I am on a plattoe(sp) at a calm place no winds buffeting me about or even storm clouds on the horizon. I am at peace and I am blessed beyond words. God has done more than I could ever ever have dreamed. I can see where I have come from and slowly but surly I am beginning to see where it is I want to go. I have turned all decisions regarding my employment over to God and I have agreed to follow where ever it is he would have me go. My desire is to serve others in whatever capacity He would have. I am excited as there have been some changes in the last week. I was feeling like I had leveled off and I see now that it was necessary for me to accept and honor all that has changed in the last five years. I am looking at emplyment options and I am ready to start climbing again, where He leads I will follow.