Not This Time

Not This Time: "My life is going so well these days. I love God and He loves me. I am happy joyous and free. Wait I am not so free yet. I have discovered that when my life is in chaos on the outside i feel calm and capable on the inside. I know how to fix problems and as long as i am struggling I do okay mentally. when I am content on the outside, with work, kids and routine, all hell breaks out on the inside. My mind works overtime with memories surfacing and darkness looming. This is the pattern that takes me back to chaos every time. This time I am seeking a difference end to my current situation. I refuse to crash or let the darkness cloud all my happiness and joy. It is okay to have a good life. It is okay . So I give it to God to figure out cause the more I worry about it the worse it gets on the inside. Praying for quiet on the inside.

She Knew

The bedroom door opens slowly, the young girl in the bed pretends to be asleep thinking it was her father yet again. It wasn't him this time is was her mother. She walks over and sits on the edge of the bed. Tears are streaming down her face. She reaches out and touches the child's face. Six words slip past her lips. "I am sorry I didn't stop him". Then as silently as she came she left.

The child lays motionless shattered into a million pieces. She knew, and she did nothing. How could a mother not do anything? In the child's mind it was all her fault. She was the mother is was her job to protect her child. So the child waits until all is quiet in the house and she knows her mother is sleeping. Silently she climbs out of bed and goes into the kitchen. She needs to be quiet as her mother is sleeping on a mattress in the living room just feet away. Carefully she slides open the knife drawer and removes her favorite butcher knife. This one has a crystal handle made up of many pieces of crystal all clear and see throw. Oh the thought running through this child's head. She creeps into the living room and knee;s beside her mother. She prays, " Dear God, please help me kill her. Please make this stop forever". She holds the knife in both hands over her mothers sleeping body, but for some reason she just can't do it.

Oh how different the life of this girl could of been had she completed her task. God must have something amazing planned for her. Trouble is 33 years later and much more trauma  she is still waiting to find out what that is.

Gotta Have Faith

I  know that we grow stronger through the storms, but why must there always be a storm on the horizon. Why must I always walk right into it, knowing full well that it could capsize my boat and yet I go there anyway.
I have this problem with over extending myself to others to the point of needing to have extreme faith just to take care of myself and my children. When I see others hurting I give what I have even if it means I will be stressed and have to live on faith just to feed my own. I know that God provides He always has, and I also know that we have never missed a meal, and this is what keeps me doing this. My friends tell me that I should never do that, but I can't stop it. I don't know if sharing to the point of worrying is a good thing or not. I know it makes me stretch my faith, and I know that God has always always come through, but it seems sorta crazy to me that I would not care if I suffer later as long as I can relieve someone of their pain at the moment.
God give me the courage to trust that you will provide and to stand on the legacy that you always have in the past.

Grace of God

Grace of God

Forward in Faith (6)

Forward in Faith (6): "I have PTSD and and also Bi-polar, as well as being an incest survivor and former battered wife, alcoholic/addict. It has been a long road to some sort of sanity for me. My kids are what keep me sane. My biggest issue was acceptance and still is at times. Accepting that life did not turn out the way I had imagined, before remembering the extent of my abuse. I know that I have come a long way but it so doesn't seem like far enough, I am 44 and time is running out. It feels urgent. I have been dealing with the incest for a good 20 years, I have been clean and sober for almost 5 years now as well as batter free. Even though I have come a long way in past 5 years, I still want so much more. I want to have a healthy loving relationship with a man, a job that pays money instead of always volunteering. These have been missing from my life. Not sure how to get them but I pray that as my relationship with Jesus grows so will my ability to love my fellow man and myself. So today I take one day at a time, grateful for the life I have been restored to. I show gratitude for all I have been blessed with. I share when I can, I help when requested, and seek ways to give back to my community and others. I know that in time God will reveal the rest of His plan for my life, and for now I move forward in faith."