THEN and NOW

As an adult I am responsible for my behavior, and actions.  I also have the power to control my thoughts.  Wow, I have power.  When I look at my early adult years, there were a lot of things I believed that left me feeling powerless and helpless.  I also didn't think I had any responsibility in the matter at hand.  How could I have created a situation where I was being abused?  I was the victim wasn't I?  If I only knew then what I know now I could of saved myself from years of abuse.
We do create our lives.  I play apart in where I want to go with my life and I get to trust God to do what is best for me.  I try to understand how I could of been so morally bankrupt and have such low self -esteem that I would allow people to treat me the way I did..  I see how my up bringing and the false beliefs I was given created in me behaviors and patterns that would take years to turn around.
I believed because I was abused at such a young age, sexual, emotionally and physically that somehow that was what life was all about.  That somehow everyone was living like this.  I believed that my parents were doing the right thing in beating me, because they would quote the Bible as they did it.  I believed that this was my lot in life and I could do nothing to change it.  I was wrong!!!  I got so caught up in just trying to stay alive all the while doing things that would of killed most people.
i spent years trying to understand my behavior and my lack of self care and love.  I made slow progress and would at times give up totally and sink into depression so great I would try to die anyway I could.  i would have great periods of sobriety and be doing great, then along would come another batch of repressed memories and off the deep end I would jump.  This was my healing process for years and years.  So what changed this time?
This time I am totally clean and sober from all street drugs and alcohol.  This time I changed everything.  I had to change people, places and things.  I had to change the toys I played with, the people I hung with and the places I went.  I had to change what I believed in and who I believed in.  I had to change what I thought about myself and others.  I had to be willing to believe in something greater than myself, a God of my understanding.  This didn't happen over night, and I am a work in progress, but today I am smiling and my heart and soul are content and free.  I am enjoying the process and look forward to the rest of my life for the first time ever.  I am not running marathons or where I want to be yet, but I am headed in the right direction.  for the first time in my life , my life is manageable and there is hope for a brighter tomorrow and a fulfilling future.  Today I like me, and what I am doing.  Today i don't look over my shoulder in fear.  today i give God the glory for the great thing He has done with me and for me.
Go with God, and remember it is progress not perfection.