My oldest daughter is on my mind so much today. I haven't heard from her for a while and regrets rolls over me like a dark cloud. I was so caught up in my own pain and grief while she was a teen, I hardly noticed her. I was in so much pain that I never saw her pain. I never knew what was happening to her, and when there was an attempted rape she didn't even tell me. At twelve she ran to the streets and even though I would track her down she would just run again, she turned to drugs for an answer and so did I. At a time in my life when she needed me most I was to blinded by my own sexual abuse and battered wife issues to even see. The only things that keeps me going today is knowing that God will make all things new, that He alone can restore my family to where it should of been had the devil not interfered. I have to forgive myself for not seeing and be grateful that I have been given two new little ones who are 5 and 7 and today I can see. Today there is not drama or chaos or pain that overwhelms me for long. today I know what is going on in my children's lives. Today I have God in my life and a peaceful home with out fear. I have a safe place and an open heart and open eyes and ears that hear. Today my life is wonderful provided I don't look back for to long, because it can still overwhelm and sometime the reality of my absence as a parent is very painful.
