Not This Time

Not This Time: "My life is going so well these days. I love God and He loves me. I am happy joyous and free. Wait I am not so free yet. I have discovered that when my life is in chaos on the outside i feel calm and capable on the inside. I know how to fix problems and as long as i am struggling I do okay mentally. when I am content on the outside, with work, kids and routine, all hell breaks out on the inside. My mind works overtime with memories surfacing and darkness looming. This is the pattern that takes me back to chaos every time. This time I am seeking a difference end to my current situation. I refuse to crash or let the darkness cloud all my happiness and joy. It is okay to have a good life. It is okay . So I give it to God to figure out cause the more I worry about it the worse it gets on the inside. Praying for quiet on the inside.

She Knew

The bedroom door opens slowly, the young girl in the bed pretends to be asleep thinking it was her father yet again. It wasn't him this time is was her mother. She walks over and sits on the edge of the bed. Tears are streaming down her face. She reaches out and touches the child's face. Six words slip past her lips. "I am sorry I didn't stop him". Then as silently as she came she left.

The child lays motionless shattered into a million pieces. She knew, and she did nothing. How could a mother not do anything? In the child's mind it was all her fault. She was the mother is was her job to protect her child. So the child waits until all is quiet in the house and she knows her mother is sleeping. Silently she climbs out of bed and goes into the kitchen. She needs to be quiet as her mother is sleeping on a mattress in the living room just feet away. Carefully she slides open the knife drawer and removes her favorite butcher knife. This one has a crystal handle made up of many pieces of crystal all clear and see throw. Oh the thought running through this child's head. She creeps into the living room and knee;s beside her mother. She prays, " Dear God, please help me kill her. Please make this stop forever". She holds the knife in both hands over her mothers sleeping body, but for some reason she just can't do it.

Oh how different the life of this girl could of been had she completed her task. God must have something amazing planned for her. Trouble is 33 years later and much more trauma  she is still waiting to find out what that is.

Gotta Have Faith

I  know that we grow stronger through the storms, but why must there always be a storm on the horizon. Why must I always walk right into it, knowing full well that it could capsize my boat and yet I go there anyway.
I have this problem with over extending myself to others to the point of needing to have extreme faith just to take care of myself and my children. When I see others hurting I give what I have even if it means I will be stressed and have to live on faith just to feed my own. I know that God provides He always has, and I also know that we have never missed a meal, and this is what keeps me doing this. My friends tell me that I should never do that, but I can't stop it. I don't know if sharing to the point of worrying is a good thing or not. I know it makes me stretch my faith, and I know that God has always always come through, but it seems sorta crazy to me that I would not care if I suffer later as long as I can relieve someone of their pain at the moment.
God give me the courage to trust that you will provide and to stand on the legacy that you always have in the past.

Grace of God

Grace of God

Forward in Faith (6)

Forward in Faith (6): "I have PTSD and and also Bi-polar, as well as being an incest survivor and former battered wife, alcoholic/addict. It has been a long road to some sort of sanity for me. My kids are what keep me sane. My biggest issue was acceptance and still is at times. Accepting that life did not turn out the way I had imagined, before remembering the extent of my abuse. I know that I have come a long way but it so doesn't seem like far enough, I am 44 and time is running out. It feels urgent. I have been dealing with the incest for a good 20 years, I have been clean and sober for almost 5 years now as well as batter free. Even though I have come a long way in past 5 years, I still want so much more. I want to have a healthy loving relationship with a man, a job that pays money instead of always volunteering. These have been missing from my life. Not sure how to get them but I pray that as my relationship with Jesus grows so will my ability to love my fellow man and myself. So today I take one day at a time, grateful for the life I have been restored to. I show gratitude for all I have been blessed with. I share when I can, I help when requested, and seek ways to give back to my community and others. I know that in time God will reveal the rest of His plan for my life, and for now I move forward in faith."

Present and Accounted For

I throughly enjoy being able to spend time with my grandson and two young ones. I am so grateful that I am able to step up to the plate for him, unlike I was for his mother. I struggle with guilt, but when I am able to love that little man unconditionally there is no room for guilt. To be able to take him and walk in the park with him, to share God with him and my opinions blows me right away. I remember a time and although it was not so long ago it feels like many many life times ago, when i was not even able to see beyond my own nose. The pain and anger at my own life was so overwhelming that I blocked out even my children. I was not present even though I was there. Thanks be to God whose mercy and grace and love was abounding, and who carried me when i could not even stumble along, I am present and accounted for today. Yippy I can't imagine missing this, or not being able to support my children the way I do today. Thank you Jesus!

Isolation....is it worth it?

 My children have gone away for the weekend, and I find I am struggling to leave my home for any reason. I have had a few really nasty experiences out there the last couple months. I am so brave when my kids are home, but when I am left to my own devices there is nothing but depression and fear. I always have plans of the things I will do when i get a chance to have no kids around, and yet when they are gone i am frozen....my body hurts and my mind races. There is fear for them, as they are with their father who was my abuser. And there is fear that I will end up in a risky situation yet again, so i do nothing I sit here and get depressed. I read my bible and pray, and meditate, and it help lift the depression for a few minutes, but i want to live, to laugh and to have some fun. i don't know how to do that alone.  There a million ways to die, it is figuring out how to live that is my problem.

When Guilt Comes Knocking.

Guilt, has found its way back into my head.  My oldest daughter is in such pain.  I feel so guilty.  Had I been a clean and sober and present parent for her growing up maybe she would not be where she is now.  I might not of left her and her brother physically, but I was not there emotionally.  I was in so much pain myself that I couldn't see them threw my agony.  I did have several long stints of sobriety, but when i wasn't under the influence of something I was so overwhelmed with shame and memories that I may as well be loaded.

I see my daughter screaming out in pain, crying for the loss of her marriage and child, and I so know what she is going through.  As long as there are distractions it doesn't hurt, but when one finally slows down enough for the feelings to surface it is agonizing. I feel so powerless and so ashamed that I was not there for her and that there is nothing I can do now to save her from this pain.  I know that I did the best I could, but looking back it seems like such a shallow excuse for being a crappy parent. I know hind sight is 20/20 and I had also hoped that my mistakes would be something we could both learn from, but that was just a dream of a guilty parent.

I am so glad I have people in my life who love God,  who are there to remind me that I have been forgiven that I don't need to carry this load of guilt around anymore.  God your timing is always impeccable.  I forget sometimes that I am not alone in this walk anymore.  That I have the strongest power in the universe on my side.  I am forgiven...I am blessed, and I turn my child over to you God to manage as you see fit. I give my guilt to you to disburse into the wind, as  only you can. I  pray your love and peace in to the lives of all my family members.  I thank you for relieving me of my obsessions and my fears and placing me in a position to be able to pray for my children.

My Search for Intimacy

Wow, I love processing my behavior.  I have been out of sorts that last couple weeks and I really thought it was all about everyone else.  To my surprise it wasn't about you at all it was about me and how I deal with change.  You see I have a best friend, her and I have spent the last six month getting to know each other inside out.  We have a deep intimate relationship, we talk about everything and on a deep level.  I have not had a relationship like this very often and I really like it,  it is intense and promotes growth and healing.  However, I do not deal with change very well, and as our lives evolved she became involved with a man.  This took away from our time together and we did not see as much of each other as we once had.  I noticed that my behavior was changing, I was looking for faults in her, and I was seeking intimacy of all the wrong kinds anywhere I could get it.  I was demanding that other people get real and that they were not involved in my life to the degree that I wanted.  This just pushed me further away from them in my own mind.  I was building walls instead of bridges.
I discovered this morning after a serious two hour discussion with my friend that I missed her, and our level of intimacy.  I was acting out and doing things that were harmful to me in my search for deep intimate none sexual relationships.  I also discovered that I don't think i want this level of intimacy with everyone.  It is hard work, and to have revelations like this everytime I communicated with someone would be overwhelming.  So I accepted that her and my releationship will change with time and I am ok going with the ebb and flow of it.  No matter how long we are apart we are still just as intense and deep as ever when we do get together. I am so happy to have her in my life, that it makes being lone all that much more fun...lol .  Not sure if I made any sense but it feels good to me.  I am becoming my own best friend and discovering all the things I like to do, and am happy with the people who do coming and go in my life on what ever level they are comfortable at.:)

To Be a Friend

I  look around my life, and it is rather empty. Not sure if this is just in my head or my reality. I don't feel close to anyone. I am part of a church, I have acquaintances and I date, but I am not close to anyone. I just don't know how to do this. Growing up without any real attachments has left me struggling to find a way to connected to anyone. So I hibernate in my home, and I take my kids to school and classes. I do yoga a class where I do not have to communicate with anyone, and I walk the track, but no one gets in. I want them in, I want to have friends over for tea, or to hang out with, but I don't, not for lack of asking, they all say yes we would love to but it never happens. Is it me or am I just not normal wondering why? This place where I am now is the place that stops me from working full time, it stops me from having close personal relationships. I don't know how to fix this.  The only relationship I have had until lately have been very dysfunctional, some to the extreme.  I want more than that.  I deserve more than that, but how do I get it?  That is the question.  I do have people on line who I love and care for greatly, and I am sure if we were to meet we would be great friends.  It is in real life I don't feel connected to anyone other than my children, even if the other person feels connected to me, it just feels frail and so precarious, that I sometimes wonder why I bother to even try to have close friends.  I think some times if I had been able to have close friends as a child things might be different now.  But it wasn't like that and I want to fix that part of me.  I want to be a friend and to have friends.

Dropping Vices

Do you find that when God puts it on your heart to give up a particular actively or action that it gets worse before it ends? I find this happening as I walk in my journey toward God. I know there are things I do that I want to stop doing and the harder I try to stop them the worse they become. What is with this? I know that my life has been getting consistently better, but there are some behaviors I want to stop that are just not going away and are most difficult to stop. I found myself behaving like an addict, the fear of letting this behavior go was over whelming. I have been free for the last few days of this behavior and I am in constant prayer. Having returned to God after 30 years in my own personal desert I have been shedding all the vices one at a time that I feel keep me from being whole and complete. I know that if God has put it on my heart to change it then with time it will happen. I pray for the patience to love myself through this process and to forgive myself for not being perfect at stopping everything as quickly as I would like.  All in Gods time.

Some Days

Some days it just all seem over whelming. I just want a normal life like I always thought I would or at least dreamed of until I remembered. Some days it feels like my head is bleeding on the inside just trying to make sense of it all. Some days trying to be a Christian and a survivor seems to much to take at the same time. Some days I just don't want to do this anymore. Some days I really wish I had never remembered any of the abuse. Some days I get really angry at having to remember. Some days I just wish I could of not ran away or had to live the street life, or run for my life. Some days I get so tired o fit all and wonder what if I had never remembered?

Leveling off to Follow

Just a note to say I am in awe at how wonderful life has become. Five years ago I would never ever have been able to imagine the life I have today. I am on a plattoe(sp) at a calm place no winds buffeting me about or even storm clouds on the horizon. I am at peace and I am blessed beyond words. God has done more than I could ever ever have dreamed. I can see where I have come from and slowly but surly I am beginning to see where it is I want to go. I have turned all decisions regarding my employment over to God and I have agreed to follow where ever it is he would have me go. My desire is to serve others in whatever capacity He would have. I am excited as there have been some changes in the last week. I was feeling like I had leveled off and I see now that it was necessary for me to accept and honor all that has changed in the last five years. I am looking at emplyment options and I am ready to start climbing again, where He leads I will follow.

Choices

Sometimes I feel so very far removed from the past. It is almost like it happened to someone else. I have made some great choices and that has made is possible for me to become who I am today. I know that those choices were not always easy one. The choice to leave home so very young and try to make my way was one of them, as was getting into and leaving abusive relationships. I have made some very wrong choices out of desperation and at times out of selfishness, but I have of late been making more good choices than bad. I talk with my children about my choices on a daily basis. I want them to understand the what we do is a choice when you are an adult. Today I choose to live a clean and sober lifestyle because it makes it a lot easier to consistently make better choices. I choose today to seek advice and counsel from a Higher Power whom I choose to call God. I choose today to be a good and kind person letting go of selfishness and self serving behaviors. None of which would of been a thought without my sobriety. Today I choose to be grateful to those whom have walked with me on this road and who have been there for me when I was not able to be there for myself. You are indeed a blessing in my life. Choices are amazing and I feel so blessed to be making ones that are bettering my life and hopefully the lives of those around me. Go with God!

Is Parenting always going to be hard?

Parenting and being a survivor sometimes clash for me. it is like having two movies running at the same time, the story lines sometimes get confused. I see my little ones and I do my best to be the parent I wish I had. I hear my mother belittling me and hitting me and I find myself crying as I try to parent my little ones in a better way. Sometimes I feel like such a failure as a parent. How is it possible to be a good parent and be so jealous of your little ones at the same time? I find myself angry that my children take so much for granted when life for me was just a struggle to survive. I find myself jealous that their life is so good and so easy. Is this normal for a survivor to feel this way? God help me as I raise these kids, help me to be the parent you would have me be.

Difficult Changes

I shared my story this past weekend with someone , and they found it almost impossible to believe that at one point in my life I was a harsh crack and meth addict. I at times find this so hard to believe but something I must at times look at in order to keep going from the point I am at now.

I find it hard to believe that I was a battered wife and the survivor of multiple rapes and incest . Yet I need to remember in order to change some of the behavior that still affect my life today.

When I look at all the times I had to do things I didn't want to do to save my life, I am shocked. There so many times when dying would of been a preferred option. Somehow God wasn't ready for me yet. Leaving my family and struggling to survive on the streets, allowing people to use me because that was all I knew, and punishing myself in every way possible because again that was all I knew.Ripping my children out of their home and running and hiding was the hardest thing I have ever done, and yet I still found myself back in the same situations, being abused and letting myself be abused again and again. Running, abuse, self harm and running again. This could of been the pattern of my life forever.

I am not sure what has happened, but the last time I ran something changed. I still got hurt at times but I never moved anyone in. I started believing in a power greater than me who could restore me to sanity. I started believing that I was okay just the way I was, alone, scared and a single parent. If God saved me from death all those times, couldn't I at least change enough to prevent yet further abuse. I knew that if I could learn to love myself I might prevent some abuse. This ment looking at the belifs I had bought into as a child.  Like a woman without a man was no woman.  that abuse was normal in all relationships.  That I was not worthy of love. That I could never make good choices about partners.

I didn't know what a good partner looked like. I had no idea what I wanted or needed.  Today making lists of the qualities I am looking for helps me become more selective. I have been doing this for 5 years now, and my life is wonderful and I am enjoying the dating process.  I have a safe home, with no violence or abuse. I have two wonderful and happy secure children. I have a God who loves me when I doubt myself and who gives me the freedom to learn as I go along. I have given Him complete control....and you know what He has never failed. I no longer depend on drugs and alcohol or men to make me happy. Today I know when I show God a little gratitude He showers me with love and grace. Today I know what it feels like to be abuse free, and it is the most awesome feeling in the world. My standards and what I am willing to accept have changed so much. Today I pray with a grateful heart, every mindful of how far god has seen to move me and I look forward to my future as a mother, grandmother and servant of God.

Body Symptoms of Abuse

So I started attending a 10 week Depression recovery group yesterday. I am having a lot of physical symptoms last 24 hours. It is not like this is not something I have done repeatedly over the years and one would think the symptoms wouldn't happen after doing this so many times, but they do. I have broken out in a rash and my IBS is acting up like crazy, I am in so much pain. I know this time is not as bad as last time but come on, enough is enough. I will not be facing anything new. I just wish my body would believe that. I guess after having no memories of the abuse for so long and then years of remembering my body just assumes I am in for more trauma. So today I do what I can to calm myself and make myself feel pretty and relaxed as much as possible.

God is Enough

For so long I have searched for meaning to my life, to the pain and suffering and sorrow.  I struggled with so many things.  I have discovered that there is one thing that is stronger than all of that and that one is God.  He has shown how great He is to me in so many ways.  I know without a doubt that I should not be sitting here at this moment.  That I played with fire and though singed and smokey i did not get burnt.  How could this be possible.  

This past weekend I went on a road trip with my children to their fathers to support him in his decision to get help for his recovery.  We were cruising along at a good rate of speed and hit an unmarked pothole.  The impact was so strong it woke my sleeping daughter and caused the toy in my sons hand to fall to the floor.  To the side of the road sat 30 plus cars with drivers either calling for help or checking their tires, all with differing degrees of damage.  At this point we hit a second pot hole but on the opposite side of the car.  I then chose to pull over and see if I had tires left.  I gave them a kick and with them still holding air I decided that whatever damage there was could wait till we got where we were going as it was dark and we were at the top of a mountain at least 30 km from the closest town.  we made that town and continued on as everything seemed to be ok.  The kids and I prayed that God would get us to their fathers safely and soundly.  At one point on the trip it felt like our car was floating along so nicely we couldn't have done any damage at all.

Well we did make their fathers, but the next morning I awoke and went to go for coffee but discovered that not only did I have two flat tires but two seriously bent rims and missing hubcaps.  I am not sure how we made it as far as we did, but I know God was with us most definitely. That is just one of the times I know God has been with me lately.  I am a believer in the power of God to heal and restore that which is broken, and after living my life of addiction and incest and more I will never deny the power if God to at least move my mountains.

Absent Parent

My oldest daughter is on my mind so much today.  I haven't heard from her for a while and regrets rolls over me like a dark cloud.  I was so caught up in my own pain and grief while she was a teen, I hardly noticed her.  I was in so much pain that I never saw her pain.  I never knew what was happening to her, and when there was an attempted rape she didn't even tell me.  At twelve she ran to the streets and even though I would track her down she would just run again, she turned to drugs for an answer and so did I.  At a time in my life when she needed me most I was to blinded by my own sexual abuse and battered wife issues to even see.  The only things that keeps me going today is knowing that God will make all things new, that He alone can restore my family to where it should of been had the devil not interfered.  I have to forgive myself for not seeing and be grateful that I have been given two new little ones who are 5 and 7 and today I can see.  Today there is not drama or chaos or pain that overwhelms me for long.  today I know what is going on in my children's lives.  Today I have God in my life and a peaceful home with out fear.  I have a safe place and an open heart and open eyes and ears that hear.  Today my life is wonderful provided I don't look back for to long, because it can still overwhelm and sometime the reality of my absence as a parent is very painful.