Present and Accounted For

I throughly enjoy being able to spend time with my grandson and two young ones. I am so grateful that I am able to step up to the plate for him, unlike I was for his mother. I struggle with guilt, but when I am able to love that little man unconditionally there is no room for guilt. To be able to take him and walk in the park with him, to share God with him and my opinions blows me right away. I remember a time and although it was not so long ago it feels like many many life times ago, when i was not even able to see beyond my own nose. The pain and anger at my own life was so overwhelming that I blocked out even my children. I was not present even though I was there. Thanks be to God whose mercy and grace and love was abounding, and who carried me when i could not even stumble along, I am present and accounted for today. Yippy I can't imagine missing this, or not being able to support my children the way I do today. Thank you Jesus!

Isolation....is it worth it?

 My children have gone away for the weekend, and I find I am struggling to leave my home for any reason. I have had a few really nasty experiences out there the last couple months. I am so brave when my kids are home, but when I am left to my own devices there is nothing but depression and fear. I always have plans of the things I will do when i get a chance to have no kids around, and yet when they are gone i am frozen....my body hurts and my mind races. There is fear for them, as they are with their father who was my abuser. And there is fear that I will end up in a risky situation yet again, so i do nothing I sit here and get depressed. I read my bible and pray, and meditate, and it help lift the depression for a few minutes, but i want to live, to laugh and to have some fun. i don't know how to do that alone.  There a million ways to die, it is figuring out how to live that is my problem.

When Guilt Comes Knocking.

Guilt, has found its way back into my head.  My oldest daughter is in such pain.  I feel so guilty.  Had I been a clean and sober and present parent for her growing up maybe she would not be where she is now.  I might not of left her and her brother physically, but I was not there emotionally.  I was in so much pain myself that I couldn't see them threw my agony.  I did have several long stints of sobriety, but when i wasn't under the influence of something I was so overwhelmed with shame and memories that I may as well be loaded.

I see my daughter screaming out in pain, crying for the loss of her marriage and child, and I so know what she is going through.  As long as there are distractions it doesn't hurt, but when one finally slows down enough for the feelings to surface it is agonizing. I feel so powerless and so ashamed that I was not there for her and that there is nothing I can do now to save her from this pain.  I know that I did the best I could, but looking back it seems like such a shallow excuse for being a crappy parent. I know hind sight is 20/20 and I had also hoped that my mistakes would be something we could both learn from, but that was just a dream of a guilty parent.

I am so glad I have people in my life who love God,  who are there to remind me that I have been forgiven that I don't need to carry this load of guilt around anymore.  God your timing is always impeccable.  I forget sometimes that I am not alone in this walk anymore.  That I have the strongest power in the universe on my side.  I am forgiven...I am blessed, and I turn my child over to you God to manage as you see fit. I give my guilt to you to disburse into the wind, as  only you can. I  pray your love and peace in to the lives of all my family members.  I thank you for relieving me of my obsessions and my fears and placing me in a position to be able to pray for my children.