The Right Thing

Every year at this time of year, I find myself analyzing my relationship with my mother.  You see she was only my mother for 13 years of my life in reality, but in my heart she was always there.  I was adopted straight from the hospital, I was raised knowing I was.  I had this illusion in my head of who and what my mother would be.  I was 25 when I was finally blessed with the opportunity to meet her and be a part of her life.  Who I imagined her to be and who she really were most definitely did not match, my mother was an addict/alcoholic, who had given 3 of her 4 girls away.  My mother made a choice to give me up, not because she loved me but because the man she was with didn't want me.  I often wondered growing up if life would of been better with her.  I have come to understand and believe she did what was in my best interest.  I find that hard to say as I was raised with a pedophile, but I listened to my little sisters life, the one who was raised with her, and I don't envy her one little bit.  She lived a hard sad life and passed away at 38 years of age.  I do know today that I am right where I am supposed to be.  Missing a mother that did the best she could with what she knew.  I also know that I miss her and love her even if she was not whom I  imagined her to be.  I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to know her.  I also feel proud that I have been able to raise my own children and to break the cycle of addictions and abuse that plague my biological family.  For that I give God the glory, because not only am I free but I am grateful and happy as well.  Rest in Peace mother dear.

Waiting

I am at a loss....I just can't seem to get close to men the way I would like too. I either don't do something right or don't do enough. I so don't want a relationship based on sex....I want an intimate relationship.  To me intimacy means letting you see into me. To understand and learn who I am in relationship to you. Am I wrong to want to wait to get sexually involved until I feel close, cause every time I don't wait part of me dies....and I feel broken again. I like being free from all the chaos of being a survivor and waiting to get sexual does that for me,.because I have not been able to have a long term relationship on a sexually based level. I need more or it feels horrible and I just want it over.  Then any feeling I might of had for you go away, this has taken along time to learn.

I want a relationship that is based on mutual, love, caring and support, that is healthy in every way.  I want someone who loves God as much as I do. I really don't think that is asking to much. So I wait,cause it is easier than dying slowly.  I trust that God will answer my prayers and someday just maybe I will be blessed with a relationship that has God first, for the rest will follow.