My Search for Intimacy

Wow, I love processing my behavior.  I have been out of sorts that last couple weeks and I really thought it was all about everyone else.  To my surprise it wasn't about you at all it was about me and how I deal with change.  You see I have a best friend, her and I have spent the last six month getting to know each other inside out.  We have a deep intimate relationship, we talk about everything and on a deep level.  I have not had a relationship like this very often and I really like it,  it is intense and promotes growth and healing.  However, I do not deal with change very well, and as our lives evolved she became involved with a man.  This took away from our time together and we did not see as much of each other as we once had.  I noticed that my behavior was changing, I was looking for faults in her, and I was seeking intimacy of all the wrong kinds anywhere I could get it.  I was demanding that other people get real and that they were not involved in my life to the degree that I wanted.  This just pushed me further away from them in my own mind.  I was building walls instead of bridges.
I discovered this morning after a serious two hour discussion with my friend that I missed her, and our level of intimacy.  I was acting out and doing things that were harmful to me in my search for deep intimate none sexual relationships.  I also discovered that I don't think i want this level of intimacy with everyone.  It is hard work, and to have revelations like this everytime I communicated with someone would be overwhelming.  So I accepted that her and my releationship will change with time and I am ok going with the ebb and flow of it.  No matter how long we are apart we are still just as intense and deep as ever when we do get together. I am so happy to have her in my life, that it makes being lone all that much more fun...lol .  Not sure if I made any sense but it feels good to me.  I am becoming my own best friend and discovering all the things I like to do, and am happy with the people who do coming and go in my life on what ever level they are comfortable at.:)

To Be a Friend

I  look around my life, and it is rather empty. Not sure if this is just in my head or my reality. I don't feel close to anyone. I am part of a church, I have acquaintances and I date, but I am not close to anyone. I just don't know how to do this. Growing up without any real attachments has left me struggling to find a way to connected to anyone. So I hibernate in my home, and I take my kids to school and classes. I do yoga a class where I do not have to communicate with anyone, and I walk the track, but no one gets in. I want them in, I want to have friends over for tea, or to hang out with, but I don't, not for lack of asking, they all say yes we would love to but it never happens. Is it me or am I just not normal wondering why? This place where I am now is the place that stops me from working full time, it stops me from having close personal relationships. I don't know how to fix this.  The only relationship I have had until lately have been very dysfunctional, some to the extreme.  I want more than that.  I deserve more than that, but how do I get it?  That is the question.  I do have people on line who I love and care for greatly, and I am sure if we were to meet we would be great friends.  It is in real life I don't feel connected to anyone other than my children, even if the other person feels connected to me, it just feels frail and so precarious, that I sometimes wonder why I bother to even try to have close friends.  I think some times if I had been able to have close friends as a child things might be different now.  But it wasn't like that and I want to fix that part of me.  I want to be a friend and to have friends.