Changes

It has almost been a year since my last post here.  :Life has gotten busy and full.  I am learning so much about God and what His wish is for me.  I am learning what real love is, not the love I was raised with.  I am happy both inside and out.

I am still clean and sober, and I have found myself employed with a job I am enjoying very much.  I am learning so much about the  who I am and what I am capable of.  I am becoming a more responsible and dependable person.  It is so far removed from the life I live in the past.

I am taking the time to teach my children how to be responsible and I am doing my best to show them by my example the rewards of being a contributing employed person.  I am limiting their exposure to television and spend  more time talking about important things, like respect, honor, truthfulness,kindness, love and God.  This are the important things to know in life.

I am constantly in awe of the love of God for me.  He has the time to see to it I stay alive.  I can not tell you the times my life has been spared, and this started before I was even born and has been a constant in my life.  Of one thing I am sure, I am being watched over and guided in away I had never imagine in my addictions.

I am still struggling with understanding a lot of what God would have me be, but I am a work in progress and I am going the right way, I am putting on the armor of God and walking as boldly as I know how.

  Where God is there is happiness.

Becoming a Better Mother

This past Christmas my 22 year old daughter in anger blurted out that my former common-law husband and father of my two youngest children, had raped her when she was 11 years old.  She said it as before I even met him and that she had been afraid to tell me because his sister had threatened to kill her if she said bad things about him.  I do remember when I first met him she tried to tell me something about him but was afraid of his sister.  I chose at that time to no pressure her to tell me as I was in my addiction and didn't want to deal with anymore drama.  I like you as emotionally unavailable for her, and having trouble dealing with my own incest and sexual abuse issues.  I went into the relationship with this man and had two more children who are no 7 and 9.  

After my older daughters disclosure, and being 6 years clean and sober and having spent lots of time healing and dealing with my past, I was able to deal with her much more effectively and keep my younger daughter safe.  I immediately made an appointment for my 7 year old to see a children's sexual abuse specialist who claims that she is fine and has not been harmed if touched at all. 

This past weekend however I discovered that there has been an investigation going on around him and that he is wanted on a Province wide warrant for Sexual Assault x4, Sexual Interference x2 and Gross Indecency x2.   I was blown away, yet my heart tells me that this is true.  My children are devastated, and my oldest is considering giving her statement as well.  I am struggling with having empathy for him and hating him at the same time.  I know what his childhood was like and he himself was a victim of severe sexual abuse, yet I was to and I am not a pedophile or rapist, so I know that is no excuse for what he has done.  I find myself angry because I am my mother, the person I so swore I would never be.  I didn't listen to my child when she was 11, I did nothing.  I know that I am there for all my children in a totally different way now than I was in the past, I know I need to forgive myself for not being able to put them first back then.  So now I sit and wait to go through this court process with my child, and unlike my mother, I will be with her.  I will support her because I love and understand her.  I know how the court system works as I did manage to charge my father.  I just so didn't want this for her, or for my little two to have to live without a father in their life.

 I know I am not totally evil or bad, that I was just broken and that the me I am now can and will do all I can for my children today and in the future.  I know that healing has been an important part of my becoming a better mother today than I was a decade ago.  I wish this for my children to always keep healing, seeking truth and learn to love themselves.

His Grace is Enough

So I have been medicated by my Dr.'s since I was 15 years old. I have been diagnosed with DID, Bi-polar,

PTSD and chronic depression. I am a former battered wife, incest survivor and recovered hardcore alcoholic/addict.

At one point in my life I was so medicated I didn't think I would ever enjoy life again. I was on 7 medications daily. Today I am clean and sober and down to one medication, and almost off that too. I am gainfully employed and raising two wonderful young children. I am here to tell you you to can recover from anything, if you just keep on keeping on. I know for me it has been a remarkable and speedy recovery once I came to trust in a Higher Power. I see where He carried me when I could not even walk, and I see that He is the only one who has ever totally loved me faults and all. Today I am grateful, with no desire to self harm, self medicate or die! Today I see that God's grace is enough for me, and all I will ever need. I wish this for you!

God Rocks!

So it has been in overwhelming week. I am so glad God loves me as much as He does. There were moments when I would forget how much I am loved and self doubt and fear would sneak in real quick. I feel stalked by negative emotions. I had my daughter stay here for a few days. She is struggling with life and making choices that I find so difficult to accept, yet they are really not mine to accept but her's. I found that as long as I kept God first everything was ok, I could handle my emotions and keep making good choices for myself. Last night I was overwhelmed with grief and fear and doubt was telling me I was alone and to blame. I prayed for God to comfort me to help me believe and my friend asked me to read something in the Bible. I opened the Bible and it opened to 2 Samuel 22, I then went to the page I was asked to read and it made no sense to me. I closed my Bible and prayed for God to give me something to hang on to and opened my bible and again it opened to 2 Samuel 22: 2-7, and this is what I was given..:

He said, “The Lord is my rock, my strong place, and the One Who sets me free.  He is my God, my rock, where I go to be safe. He is my covering and the horn that saves me, my strong place where I go to be safe. You save me from being hurt.  I call upon the Lord, Who should be praised. I am saved from those who hate me.
For the waves of death were all around me. The storm that destroys made me afraid.  The cords of the grave were around me. The nets of death came against me. In my trouble I called upon the Lord. Yes, I cried to my God. From His house He heard my voice. My cry for help came into His ears".

God  ROCKS!!

FAITH-Forwarding All Issues To Heaven!

I am so full of feelings right now and not even sure why. I have met someone who is a nice person but I feel crowded and pushed and like I just can't respond the way I should. It is so much easier going through life not really caring about anyone than to try and care...maybe I am destine to be alone forever. I just can't bring myself to fall in love again. I so want someone who can lead me in the path of righteousness, maybe that is what is holding me back. I am so confused. What stops me from being able to love someone back...why do I feel crowded and angry?

I am responsible for my own happiness. no one else can make me happy. I have had my share of dysfunctional everything. I am praying about this. I need to deal with the issues that have come up for me starting this relationship. I have asked for God's will to be done in this issue. I prayed for someone nice and caring to come into my life. I am willing to let go and let God!

Letting go to me is, FAITH forwarding all issues to heaven. Trusting that God knows what He is up to, even if I am blind to the situation at the moment. I asked this person for what I needed and he is willing to give it to me. I need time, time to accept and access his intentions and evaluate my motives. I want God to be my primary focus and if he is just a distraction from God then I need to accept that he is not the one. The one God wants for me loves God first and our relationship will be built on a solid foundation as believers.