Dropping Vices

Do you find that when God puts it on your heart to give up a particular actively or action that it gets worse before it ends? I find this happening as I walk in my journey toward God. I know there are things I do that I want to stop doing and the harder I try to stop them the worse they become. What is with this? I know that my life has been getting consistently better, but there are some behaviors I want to stop that are just not going away and are most difficult to stop. I found myself behaving like an addict, the fear of letting this behavior go was over whelming. I have been free for the last few days of this behavior and I am in constant prayer. Having returned to God after 30 years in my own personal desert I have been shedding all the vices one at a time that I feel keep me from being whole and complete. I know that if God has put it on my heart to change it then with time it will happen. I pray for the patience to love myself through this process and to forgive myself for not being perfect at stopping everything as quickly as I would like.  All in Gods time.

Some Days

Some days it just all seem over whelming. I just want a normal life like I always thought I would or at least dreamed of until I remembered. Some days it feels like my head is bleeding on the inside just trying to make sense of it all. Some days trying to be a Christian and a survivor seems to much to take at the same time. Some days I just don't want to do this anymore. Some days I really wish I had never remembered any of the abuse. Some days I get really angry at having to remember. Some days I just wish I could of not ran away or had to live the street life, or run for my life. Some days I get so tired o fit all and wonder what if I had never remembered?

Leveling off to Follow

Just a note to say I am in awe at how wonderful life has become. Five years ago I would never ever have been able to imagine the life I have today. I am on a plattoe(sp) at a calm place no winds buffeting me about or even storm clouds on the horizon. I am at peace and I am blessed beyond words. God has done more than I could ever ever have dreamed. I can see where I have come from and slowly but surly I am beginning to see where it is I want to go. I have turned all decisions regarding my employment over to God and I have agreed to follow where ever it is he would have me go. My desire is to serve others in whatever capacity He would have. I am excited as there have been some changes in the last week. I was feeling like I had leveled off and I see now that it was necessary for me to accept and honor all that has changed in the last five years. I am looking at emplyment options and I am ready to start climbing again, where He leads I will follow.

Choices

Sometimes I feel so very far removed from the past. It is almost like it happened to someone else. I have made some great choices and that has made is possible for me to become who I am today. I know that those choices were not always easy one. The choice to leave home so very young and try to make my way was one of them, as was getting into and leaving abusive relationships. I have made some very wrong choices out of desperation and at times out of selfishness, but I have of late been making more good choices than bad. I talk with my children about my choices on a daily basis. I want them to understand the what we do is a choice when you are an adult. Today I choose to live a clean and sober lifestyle because it makes it a lot easier to consistently make better choices. I choose today to seek advice and counsel from a Higher Power whom I choose to call God. I choose today to be a good and kind person letting go of selfishness and self serving behaviors. None of which would of been a thought without my sobriety. Today I choose to be grateful to those whom have walked with me on this road and who have been there for me when I was not able to be there for myself. You are indeed a blessing in my life. Choices are amazing and I feel so blessed to be making ones that are bettering my life and hopefully the lives of those around me. Go with God!