Is Parenting always going to be hard?

Parenting and being a survivor sometimes clash for me. it is like having two movies running at the same time, the story lines sometimes get confused. I see my little ones and I do my best to be the parent I wish I had. I hear my mother belittling me and hitting me and I find myself crying as I try to parent my little ones in a better way. Sometimes I feel like such a failure as a parent. How is it possible to be a good parent and be so jealous of your little ones at the same time? I find myself angry that my children take so much for granted when life for me was just a struggle to survive. I find myself jealous that their life is so good and so easy. Is this normal for a survivor to feel this way? God help me as I raise these kids, help me to be the parent you would have me be.

Difficult Changes

I shared my story this past weekend with someone , and they found it almost impossible to believe that at one point in my life I was a harsh crack and meth addict. I at times find this so hard to believe but something I must at times look at in order to keep going from the point I am at now.

I find it hard to believe that I was a battered wife and the survivor of multiple rapes and incest . Yet I need to remember in order to change some of the behavior that still affect my life today.

When I look at all the times I had to do things I didn't want to do to save my life, I am shocked. There so many times when dying would of been a preferred option. Somehow God wasn't ready for me yet. Leaving my family and struggling to survive on the streets, allowing people to use me because that was all I knew, and punishing myself in every way possible because again that was all I knew.Ripping my children out of their home and running and hiding was the hardest thing I have ever done, and yet I still found myself back in the same situations, being abused and letting myself be abused again and again. Running, abuse, self harm and running again. This could of been the pattern of my life forever.

I am not sure what has happened, but the last time I ran something changed. I still got hurt at times but I never moved anyone in. I started believing in a power greater than me who could restore me to sanity. I started believing that I was okay just the way I was, alone, scared and a single parent. If God saved me from death all those times, couldn't I at least change enough to prevent yet further abuse. I knew that if I could learn to love myself I might prevent some abuse. This ment looking at the belifs I had bought into as a child.  Like a woman without a man was no woman.  that abuse was normal in all relationships.  That I was not worthy of love. That I could never make good choices about partners.

I didn't know what a good partner looked like. I had no idea what I wanted or needed.  Today making lists of the qualities I am looking for helps me become more selective. I have been doing this for 5 years now, and my life is wonderful and I am enjoying the dating process.  I have a safe home, with no violence or abuse. I have two wonderful and happy secure children. I have a God who loves me when I doubt myself and who gives me the freedom to learn as I go along. I have given Him complete control....and you know what He has never failed. I no longer depend on drugs and alcohol or men to make me happy. Today I know when I show God a little gratitude He showers me with love and grace. Today I know what it feels like to be abuse free, and it is the most awesome feeling in the world. My standards and what I am willing to accept have changed so much. Today I pray with a grateful heart, every mindful of how far god has seen to move me and I look forward to my future as a mother, grandmother and servant of God.

Body Symptoms of Abuse

So I started attending a 10 week Depression recovery group yesterday. I am having a lot of physical symptoms last 24 hours. It is not like this is not something I have done repeatedly over the years and one would think the symptoms wouldn't happen after doing this so many times, but they do. I have broken out in a rash and my IBS is acting up like crazy, I am in so much pain. I know this time is not as bad as last time but come on, enough is enough. I will not be facing anything new. I just wish my body would believe that. I guess after having no memories of the abuse for so long and then years of remembering my body just assumes I am in for more trauma. So today I do what I can to calm myself and make myself feel pretty and relaxed as much as possible.

God is Enough

For so long I have searched for meaning to my life, to the pain and suffering and sorrow.  I struggled with so many things.  I have discovered that there is one thing that is stronger than all of that and that one is God.  He has shown how great He is to me in so many ways.  I know without a doubt that I should not be sitting here at this moment.  That I played with fire and though singed and smokey i did not get burnt.  How could this be possible.  

This past weekend I went on a road trip with my children to their fathers to support him in his decision to get help for his recovery.  We were cruising along at a good rate of speed and hit an unmarked pothole.  The impact was so strong it woke my sleeping daughter and caused the toy in my sons hand to fall to the floor.  To the side of the road sat 30 plus cars with drivers either calling for help or checking their tires, all with differing degrees of damage.  At this point we hit a second pot hole but on the opposite side of the car.  I then chose to pull over and see if I had tires left.  I gave them a kick and with them still holding air I decided that whatever damage there was could wait till we got where we were going as it was dark and we were at the top of a mountain at least 30 km from the closest town.  we made that town and continued on as everything seemed to be ok.  The kids and I prayed that God would get us to their fathers safely and soundly.  At one point on the trip it felt like our car was floating along so nicely we couldn't have done any damage at all.

Well we did make their fathers, but the next morning I awoke and went to go for coffee but discovered that not only did I have two flat tires but two seriously bent rims and missing hubcaps.  I am not sure how we made it as far as we did, but I know God was with us most definitely. That is just one of the times I know God has been with me lately.  I am a believer in the power of God to heal and restore that which is broken, and after living my life of addiction and incest and more I will never deny the power if God to at least move my mountains.