Being Bi-Polar

When I Miss My Meds...Living Bi-polar

Wow the day started out so stressful, I forgot to take my medication. I was angry and overwhelmed with anger. I so took it out on my little ones. I made them clean the mess they had made..that is not bad but screaming at them to get it done NOW was. In my mind i could see my mother, dragging me by the hair to the bedroom forcing me to bend over the edge of the bed and beating me severely. i could see my father sending me to the back of the property to get a willow switch so he could beat me with it. It had to be just the right size and was used on hands feet and butt. I can feel the lashes and hear my screaming to this day. I look at my little ones and wonder how two parents could be so viciously mean to such little children and have no feelings around it. I feel so guilty having forgotten my medication cause I know my little ones do not deserve the harshness they receive from my mouth. I pray for God to help me through the hours it will take for my meds to kick in. The memories and the anger are overwhelming.

     I took the kids for a drive to the beach, and almost came home because I was not sure I could be nice in public, being bi-polar there are times I know better than to go out, but I also knew that being alone with my children in this frame of mind was not a smart thing to do. Getting out of the car and being in public is very hard to do on days like this, but i needed to be somewhere my children would be safe and would get along. For some strange reason at the beach they get along just fine, no hitting or poking or teasing. I however sat on the blanket with my hands over my ears as the sound of other people was like nails on a chalk board. I grated at me so badly. How dare they be happy, when I am stuck in my head. How dare others have what I so desperately wanted, sanity. I knew that my thinking was irrational, that this was just a manic phase of my mental illness and it would pass. I did what I knew would help, I started texting anyone who would listen.  I ended up with my best friend, I told him what was happening and how I as feeling.  Just telling someone helped a lot. Watching my children play so happily gave me the time I needed to get a grip on my reality. Three simple things that helped me make it through. Safety first for me and the kids, tell someone who is able to reach you if need be, and remember that time will change your perspective.  I am glad today I rarely do this to myself any more.  This in itself is major progress.

     For me this is such a change, raising my first two children 15 years ago, I always had them in respite care on weekends, and I avoided them as much as possible. When I would forget my medication, which was often, I would cause disaster where ever I went. I would check myself into the psychiatric unit, or self harm anyway necessary. Telling someone what not even a thought. There was nothing wrong with me, but you better stay out of my way cause my tongue was a viper and I would cut you to the core with my words. I would throw things at you or do what ever it took to make you hurt more than me. I like to see the progress and acceptance of myself and where I am today is key to my healing. I know that as a direct result of my connection to my Higher Power, whom I now turn everything over to, I can look forward to the day of complete restoration in me.

     The kids and I talked about my mental illness, as no way want them to blame themselves or think they have done something wrong. They know I love them and they were glad that we went to the beach. After an hour of chilling on a blanket we went for a walk around the pond and enjoyed the wonderful summer day that God had blessed us with. Then home for a BBQ and a movie. I am truly blessed and I hope that if you are suffering from mental health issues that this gives you hope, progress is possible and acceptance is the key.

PS.  Prayer is something I have come to rely on, and please be patient God is not finished with me yet.