Waiting

I am at a loss....I just can't seem to get close to men the way I would like too. I either don't do something right or don't do enough. I so don't want a relationship based on sex....I want an intimate relationship.  To me intimacy means letting you see into me. To understand and learn who I am in relationship to you. Am I wrong to want to wait to get sexually involved until I feel close, cause every time I don't wait part of me dies....and I feel broken again. I like being free from all the chaos of being a survivor and waiting to get sexual does that for me,.because I have not been able to have a long term relationship on a sexually based level. I need more or it feels horrible and I just want it over.  Then any feeling I might of had for you go away, this has taken along time to learn.

I want a relationship that is based on mutual, love, caring and support, that is healthy in every way.  I want someone who loves God as much as I do. I really don't think that is asking to much. So I wait,cause it is easier than dying slowly.  I trust that God will answer my prayers and someday just maybe I will be blessed with a relationship that has God first, for the rest will follow.