Just for Today

Just for today I will trust that I am right where I should be.  God is guiding me on  a path I have never been on before.  It is strange and exciting and mysterious.  I have taken so many wrong turns trying to find my way back to myself, that I thought it might be time to let someone who already loves me take the wheel this time.

I grew up believing in God, loving God and knowing that I could trust in Him always.  I taught sabbath school to the little ones, I was in the church choir and helped with Vacation bible School every year. I went to church school for almost ten years.  Until I was caught with drugs on me at school and expelled.  I remember my mothers response to this situation, she took me on her lap and told me she loved me. This was such a strange response from the woman who so freely whipped us for minor indiscretions.  I was extremely confused.  I started sneaking out o the house to spend time with boys and one day, at fifteen, I walked away from it all .  I walked away from my family and my church and God.  I kept walking until I got so lost I didn't recognize anyone or anything familiar.  I got so lost I couldn't even recognize myself.  Who was that girl looking back at herself in the rear view mirror?  Who was this stranger that answered to my name?

She drank and smoked pot and always was on the arm of some guy or another.  She never stayed in one place to long as if someone she was being chased by some unseen predator.  She had nightmares that caused her to wake screaming and begging for her life from unseen demons.  At seventeen she was full blown alcoholic, who found herself on the streets of Vernon turning tricks for money to drink and a place to sleep.  She walked through life in a haze always under the influence of something or other.  She was a rough tough cream puff.  Her mantra to life at this time was that "she was fat and ugly and mean as could be".  She was always welcome at the bar and spent much of her time trying to stay one step ahead the devil.  Her self worth came through being wanted and admired for her overt sexuality and her money was made as a private dancer.  She sought protection from the streets where ever she could and at nineteen she met Prince charming in a nightclub.

He was so tall and blond and ever so handsome.  He was a baseball player and didn't drink.  This was to good to be true.  She just happened to not be drinking that night not because she didn't want to but because she was to sick from the night before's adventures to drink a drop with out getting seriously ill.  Instead of telling him this however she lied and said she didn't drink either.  They started dating and her desire to belong to him was enough to keep her sober.  Two months later she took him home to meet her parents who she had not had much contact with since leaving.  She was thrilled that they liked him even though he was very much older than her and with the blessing of her family the wedding took place five months after they met.  She was finally going to be happy and loved and cherished forever.  Her dreams were coming true and she was sober.  They were going on their honeymoon, and their life together was going to be perfect.

She woke up the next morning on the floor of the hotel room.  She was sporting a huge black eye and some serious bruises to her ribs and legs.  She was confused and heart broken and afraid to ask what she had done.  Last thing she remembered was standing in front of the television in hopes of getting her new husbands attention.  It was their wedding night after all.  How was she to know she could not compete with  the football game that was on at that time.  Stupid girl would never try that again.  She stumbled into the shower and found herself lost in memories she didn't think belonged to her.  memories of someone touching her as a child. She got violently ill. what was happening to her?  Who could she trust now?  Something was wrong, something way more wrong than anything her husband could ever do to her.  Shaking violently and unable to stop she faced him.  He had gone to the gift shop and purchased a sun hat and glasses.  He held her and kissed the madness away.  The nightmares were unreal and the pills she took did nothing to help. She shared with him the memories as best she could and by the end of the honeymoon he was ready to get the marriage annulled if she didn't get some professional help.  They stopped at the psychologist on the way back from the honeymoon and when he was unable to convince the Dr. to lock her up and throw away the key, he got the next best thing,  more medication.   One thing became very clear not only was she is wife but she belonged to him.

She found herself living in the Queen Charlotte Islands hundreds of miles from anything familiar, and six hours out in the ocean.  No escaping him now so better make the best of it.  She went to work as the town bartender, while he worked as the town drug dealer, bootlegger and only taxi driver.  Here she came in contact with Indians.  She was not fond of this as she had been raised to believe that Indians were undesirables.  She was so glad she was an Eskimo, at least she wasn't like them, but they were good to her as her husband was the chosen son of the Chief.  Spousal abuse was the norm up there.  She watched her friends get beaten and she took her share as long as she could. He became more and more violent and after seven months and three attempts to leave she finally got away . Broken and crushed she ran to her family, and showed her mother the massive bruises all over her.  She was told to not divorce or she would be taken out of the family will,  she had made her bed she better lay in it.  To lay in it meant a slow and painful death.  Something in her would not accept that.  Three attempts and many many miles later she found herself back in Vernon, alone and still running against the wind.

How could this be what God had planned for her?  how many years must she live like this?   This was just the beginning but most definitely not the end.  God had started a work in her and He was by no means done.   Was it possible that she was right where she was supposed to be?  How could that be?  Looking back now I can say it was, but in that ,moment in time, it was hell.

Today I am grateful that God always finishes what He starts.  Today I sing a new song and I am finding myself again.  Today I know that Gos was with me through all the dark hours of my life.  Today I trust Him like no other.  Today I am right where i am supposed to be.