The Gifts

Tonight I remembered the GIFT.  My father who was a serial pedophile bought me a gift.  This was before I had any memory of the abuse.  I was surprised and in awe that he loved me that much.  You see it was not just any gift.  It was something my mother coveted.  It was a series of Bible story books.  Their were only so many available and my father bought them at a book auction at Bible camp that summer.  He paid an exorbitant amount of money for these books far more then they were worth.  I treasured them and took them with me when I ran away from home.  Little did I know at the time the price I had paid for those books.

The last gift I remember my father giving me was $500 dollars.  I found it strange as I had not had anything to do with them for a few years, if I could help it.  I met him at a motel in the town I was living in.  He was with my little brother.  I found it strange as he told me my older sister had said some bad things about him, and that when the police come to ask me to tell them nothing had happened.  And that some might think this money was a bribe, but I he made it clear to me it was a gift.  I still had no memory of the abuse, and I still had my lovely books. Ii so needed that money to go to university, but I remember the feeling that went with that money.  It felt ugly, dirty and I didn't know why.  

Many years later when the memories had returned I knew the price I had paid for those gifts was ore than anyone should ever have to pay.  I remember being so distraught when I had to leave my books behind...they were something wonderful my father had given me.  Not it was guilt my fathers guilt all wrapped up in a bow, for me to carry and treasure.  

Today I can let those books go, because i have a new father a heavenly Father, who doesn't bribe me or hid his sins in dazzling treasures.  I have a Father who wake me with the colors of dawn and put me to bed with a sunset.  Who only wants the best for me.  The hard part is believing I deserve it.  Go with God!