Guilt, has found its way back into my head. My oldest daughter is in such pain. I feel so guilty. Had I been a clean and sober and present parent for her growing up maybe she would not be where she is now. I might not of left her and her brother physically, but I was not there emotionally. I was in so much pain myself that I couldn't see them threw my agony. I did have several long stints of sobriety, but when i wasn't under the influence of something I was so overwhelmed with shame and memories that I may as well be loaded.
I see my daughter screaming out in pain, crying for the loss of her marriage and child, and I so know what she is going through. As long as there are distractions it doesn't hurt, but when one finally slows down enough for the feelings to surface it is agonizing. I feel so powerless and so ashamed that I was not there for her and that there is nothing I can do now to save her from this pain. I know that I did the best I could, but looking back it seems like such a shallow excuse for being a crappy parent. I know hind sight is 20/20 and I had also hoped that my mistakes would be something we could both learn from, but that was just a dream of a guilty parent.
I am so glad I have people in my life who love God, who are there to remind me that I have been forgiven that I don't need to carry this load of guilt around anymore. God your timing is always impeccable. I forget sometimes that I am not alone in this walk anymore. That I have the strongest power in the universe on my side. I am forgiven...I am blessed, and I turn my child over to you God to manage as you see fit. I give my guilt to you to disburse into the wind, as only you can. I pray your love and peace in to the lives of all my family members. I thank you for relieving me of my obsessions and my fears and placing me in a position to be able to pray for my children.
I see my daughter screaming out in pain, crying for the loss of her marriage and child, and I so know what she is going through. As long as there are distractions it doesn't hurt, but when one finally slows down enough for the feelings to surface it is agonizing. I feel so powerless and so ashamed that I was not there for her and that there is nothing I can do now to save her from this pain. I know that I did the best I could, but looking back it seems like such a shallow excuse for being a crappy parent. I know hind sight is 20/20 and I had also hoped that my mistakes would be something we could both learn from, but that was just a dream of a guilty parent.
I am so glad I have people in my life who love God, who are there to remind me that I have been forgiven that I don't need to carry this load of guilt around anymore. God your timing is always impeccable. I forget sometimes that I am not alone in this walk anymore. That I have the strongest power in the universe on my side. I am forgiven...I am blessed, and I turn my child over to you God to manage as you see fit. I give my guilt to you to disburse into the wind, as only you can. I pray your love and peace in to the lives of all my family members. I thank you for relieving me of my obsessions and my fears and placing me in a position to be able to pray for my children.
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