I shared my story this past weekend with someone , and they found it almost impossible to believe that at one point in my life I was a harsh crack and meth addict. I at times find this so hard to believe but something I must at times look at in order to keep going from the point I am at now.
I find it hard to believe that I was a battered wife and the survivor of multiple rapes and incest . Yet I need to remember in order to change some of the behavior that still affect my life today.
When I look at all the times I had to do things I didn't want to do to save my life, I am shocked. There so many times when dying would of been a preferred option. Somehow God wasn't ready for me yet. Leaving my family and struggling to survive on the streets, allowing people to use me because that was all I knew, and punishing myself in every way possible because again that was all I knew.Ripping my children out of their home and running and hiding was the hardest thing I have ever done, and yet I still found myself back in the same situations, being abused and letting myself be abused again and again. Running, abuse, self harm and running again. This could of been the pattern of my life forever.
I am not sure what has happened, but the last time I ran something changed. I still got hurt at times but I never moved anyone in. I started believing in a power greater than me who could restore me to sanity. I started believing that I was okay just the way I was, alone, scared and a single parent. If God saved me from death all those times, couldn't I at least change enough to prevent yet further abuse. I knew that if I could learn to love myself I might prevent some abuse. This ment looking at the belifs I had bought into as a child. Like a woman without a man was no woman. that abuse was normal in all relationships. That I was not worthy of love. That I could never make good choices about partners.
I didn't know what a good partner looked like. I had no idea what I wanted or needed. Today making lists of the qualities I am looking for helps me become more selective. I have been doing this for 5 years now, and my life is wonderful and I am enjoying the dating process. I have a safe home, with no violence or abuse. I have two wonderful and happy secure children. I have a God who loves me when I doubt myself and who gives me the freedom to learn as I go along. I have given Him complete control....and you know what He has never failed. I no longer depend on drugs and alcohol or men to make me happy. Today I know when I show God a little gratitude He showers me with love and grace. Today I know what it feels like to be abuse free, and it is the most awesome feeling in the world. My standards and what I am willing to accept have changed so much. Today I pray with a grateful heart, every mindful of how far god has seen to move me and I look forward to my future as a mother, grandmother and servant of God.
No comments:
Post a Comment