Changes

Having grown up in a large family that I thought loved me, and then finding out it was all just for the publics view, I find myself in great distress over being loved by anyone.  

I am so uncomfortable having a church family that loves me just the way I am, with my bi-polar and C-PTSD and all.  I find myself constantly worried that I am not good enough or that I don't deserve to be loved.  I always wonder when they are going to pull the rug out from under me.   The fear and anxiety this is causing me, almost caused me to hurt myself, to create the chaos that I am so familiar with.  I so want to be loved as I am sure everyone does, but accepting it is one of the harder things I have ever done.  My mind is constantly looking to do more be more and I am at  loss as to what I could do for them in return, they don't need or seem to want anything but for me to be happy and loved.  This must be what it feels like to be loved..:)